Real quick update…

My ‘panic attack’ lasted thru Wednesday, Thursday and most of today, Friday, and I continued to feel worse and worse. Each day I thought about going to the ER about every 10 minutes. But Hubby had a minor surgical procedure scheduled for today (Friday) and I just didn’t want to screw that up. So, today after his procedure I went to the ER and got checked out.

 

My BP was very high and heart rate was racing….but the EKG and the blood work all came back OK. After a dose of another anti anxiety drug and some other stuff, my BP came down, the attack shut off and all was well. They let me come home after about 7 hours there.

 

I don’t know if the Lexapro started it or what, but the high BP led to the anxiety attack and the anxiety just made my BP higher….I got on the hamster’s wheel and couldn’t get off. 

 

I feel 95% better and the ER doctor gave me a script for Xanax in case it started all over again.  I do have a script for Cymbalta waiting for me at Walgreen’s, but haven’t gotten it yet…(fear is a powerful thing). The ER doctor said it probably would do me worse than Lexapro…and that I probably shouldn’t take it, but to talk to my regular doctor. Maybe I’m not depressed as much as I thought and am only having normal feelings of grief for what’s been going on….

 

Thanks for all your prayers and thoughts, that much caring means a lot to me.

 

 

 

Love you guys!

xoxo

 

 

 

It all started simply enough. I mentioned an idea that was an 8 on the 10 scale I thought, but Hubby found it quite to his dislike. Enough to through a coke can across the floor. And in 36 years, I’ve never seen him throw anything…with the exception of a tool or 2 that had an “obvious flaw”. I was thinking about going away to my cabin in NM to get over my depression slump. Just me and Lola.

 

I’ve been in an obvious depressive state as of late and through the well wishes of my family, I have been hounded about it daily. I love these people, but I’d sure appreciate it if they’d just back off some and give me some slack.

 

Here’s what I’ve been dealing with and if they’d leave me alone, I’d probably be over it already.

 

1. In October, my little sister was diagnosed with a very aggressive cancer. She’s making headway, but her prognosis is cloudy and she and I have always had a mother/daughter relationship instead of a sister/sister one. So of course, I’m worried about her. Her type of cancer almost always comes back and 75% of the time it’s bone cancer.
2. A few months later, one day, a well meaning young OB/GYN takes away half of my estrogen (of which I make none of my own) therapy after nearly 12 years of doing very well on it.
3. In July, my oldest sister, my only other sibling, dies on the eve of our vacation (we were going to the mountains). We were close. We’re 3 years apart and up until Chelle was born, it was always just her and me against the world.

 

(So after that, the gist of the vacation seemed to be ‘how fast can we put our shorts on after the service and be on our way’ by the time the preacher 's in the Amen mode?

 

And to even call the next few days a vacation is a joke. We did nothing anyone wanted to do and spent most of our time at someone’s condo watching TV. Even our naps were purposefully interrupted by good old  “Grandpa”).

 

I could say more, but I'm afraid some people might read this and be offended. That's all I need.

 

4. My day job is over, The Princess no longer stays at my house during the day. She goes to kindergarten and stays there until her mom gets off work. I pick her up on Fridays once in awhile. When I experience the empty nest syndrome, let’s just say I go all the way. It ain't pretty and this is the 2^nd time I’ve experienced it. It s*cks.
5. Hubby keeps getting bigger projects at work and he just doesn’t have the time to baby me. He would if he could, but he’s gone quite a lot during the week.

 

My daughters are busy, The Princess’s mom works full time and attends college at night. My older daughter just moved to Florida and is still unpacking.

 

 

6. I’ve never made friends that we didn’t hang out with as a couple. Nor did I make daily phone calls to anyone but my girls, my sisters and Hubby. I only shopped with my girls or my sisters.
7. Then I find out Monday that I will have to go to a different hospital if I want my insurance to pay for this knee replacement surgery. And of course, it’s not within driving distance daily. I probably will be paying the same for Hubby ‘s room and food, as I would be for the parts the insurance won’t cover. The anesthesiology group at the hospital where I had it done before is out of my network, so I would have to pay them out of my pocket. Again. The first time I didn’t know.
8. And until my knee heals, I can’t get a job to help me get over my feeling of uselessness.

 

Ok, so I’m a little depressed. Let’s just say I cry at the drop of a hat and have no urge to do anything. Anything at all. If I didn’t have to bathe on occasion, I wouldn’t even change clothes probably. Right now, I’m a loser. Big L.

 

I call it situational depression and think it’s probably been exacerbated by the lack of estrogen I experienced for awhile. This isn’t normal for me….I lost both of my parents within 6 months of each other and even that didn’t trigger this type of sadness, emptiness and grief.

 

Trouble is that if I even think about how to begin to explain why I feel this way, it triggers a whole new crying jag.

 

So today, at the doctor’s I’m sure I came off sounding like a total idiot. I couldn’t explain why I was crying without crying more and the harder I tried to stop…well, ya’ll know, right? I was trying so hard NOT to cry that I didn’t get a chance to mention some other medical problems I wanted to check on.

 

Thank God that he’s sympathetic and believes me when I self diagnose. Plus he gave me some samples of an antidepressant for short tern use. He said it didn’t matter when I took them.

 

Immediately, as soon as I’m out of his office, I take one to begin the healing process.

 

Here’s how the rest of my day went:

15 minutes later, massive headache

20 minutes later, nausea and trembling (grocery shopping by now)

30 minutes later, flu like symptoms, chills..etc.

 

I finished my shopping, headed home, and decided to just lay on the bed - but not until AFTER I google the drug to make sure I’m not going to die. These are all normal side effects. Huh?

 

I’m fine until about 7:30 then I get kinda ansty. Jittery. Then it begins to feel as if my diaphragm is having a muscle spasm. Then my whole chest starts to hurt. Hands and arms are numb. The whole panic attack nine yards.  I wasn’t too worried…..except for the fact that I did indeed one day go into sudden cardiac arrest for no apparent reason.

 

My nitro pills are probably 5 years past the expiration date, but I find them and pop one under the tongue. It’s so old that it doesn’t even sting.  Hubby is on his way home but won’t be home for a couple of hours. I chew 6 or 7 baby aspirin to be on the safe side and pop another nitro ‘cause I still got chest pain.

 

I’m sitting here, googling the drug with words like ‘chest pain’ ‘panic attack’ ‘anxiety’ behind it and it dawns on me that Hubby will probably come home and find me slumped over the keyboard, dead – doing research on a drug that killed me.

 

If I call 911, I’ll have to sit on the porch or Lola will "over protect" me and not let the EMS people in.

 

What to do? What to do?

 

So I talked to Jesus. For about 2 hours. I guess He decided He still needs me down here. I know Hubby needs me. He doesn’t know the account numbers or passwords to anything!

 

I eventually got to feeling better, but if this is what’s in store for the next week or so, then sitting around, crying constantly and being apathetic doesn’t really sound so bad.

 

I’ve had a few panic attacks in my day…who hasn’t after having a heart attack or going into cardiac arrest? (Peanut butter started one once for me…go figure).

 

But this was absolutely horrible. Imagine being strapped down on a surgical table ready to do a deep abdominal type procedure and they announce that they are out of Novocain or something.

 

I’m still thinking about going in to the doctor’s office first thing in the AM and have them check my heart enzymes to make sure I didn’t have a heart attack.

 

Who would have figured I’d have the Mac Daddy of all panic attacks 7 hours after my first dose? I should have known...if there's an obscure side-effect...I'll get it.

 

It’s all over and done with now, I took an Ambien CR, a Restoril and a big glass of wine. I’m mellowing out fine. For the moment. Dammit though...tomorrow's another day.

 

If any of ya’ll out there are taking Lexapro….give me the 411 on it so I don’t call 911 if I don’t have to.

 

Now I think I know what it must feel like to find out you just sold a whole lot of crack cocaine to a big mean undercover cop. Not that I would know what that feels like.

 

Happy Hump Day~

 

Xoxo

  

snopes has a really cool true myth (is that an oxymoron?) on it's web site right now. You've GOT to check it out.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Will let you know if I kill doctor, nurse or family or not. 

 

xoxo

 

 

 

 The Princess's mother informs me that she does have some pictures that she's going to part with soon. If I get to see them,  I will post them so I can prove that The Princess really exists.

But in the meantime...isn't Baby Jack adorable? He's getting so big, I can hardly believe it. My daughter says that now he calls all old people either "PawPaw and/or Mammie".  How funny.

 

BTW...I won the estrogen war with my doctor. Because I did my homework and the fact that my situation is a little different than most people on HRT, he agreed with me that if it ain't broke...but I still have to have a gynecological "look see" once a year though. 

 

I believe everyone should do a "_# of things you don't know about me" every once in a while. While most of my list is pretty boring, I really enjoy reading things about everyone else. Who would have guessed about Jane's elbows?

 

We still don't know if Baby Jack will have sister or brother, all appears to be fine, though.

 

I'll do an update on Chelle soon, so stay tuned.

 

Happy Labor Weekend (or at least what's left of it)

 

xoxo